King

 

When my mother was pregnant with me, the doctors told her she was having a boy. February 24th 1988 came and surprise surprise it's a girl! Apparently I had my umbilical cord in between my legs the whole time so that's why they made the "mistake" of thinking I would be born male. Thinking back now, it probably wasn't a mistake at all. Fast forward a few years , I was a tomboy and never liked girly things. I was on the basketball team, I was really into wrestling and used to backyard wrestle with a bunch of guys. Everyone in school would pick on me and call me a man and say I was gay etc etc and for most young kids that would hurt but for me I just wished they were right. Actually I knew they were right but how could they when I didn't have the boy parts. Throughout high school I tried to be more feminine because at that point I knew I liked women and I didn't want my mom to get suspicious. Growing up she would tell me "mejor puta que pata" which basically means id rather you be a slut than to be gay. I was terrified of how she would react so I decided to try and get a boyfriend. Dudes always hit on me and I truly hated it but I convinced myself I was attracted to them, when in reality I was just jealous because I wanted to look like them. I dated about 3 guys in my teen years all in hopes that this weird feeling would go away, thinking maybe this is just the wrong guy. Sex was even worse, I've done it twice and both times I couldn't wait for it to be over, I felt like it was supposed to be the other way around. My last time having sex with a man I got pregnant with my son, so here I am 19 years old about to bring a child into the world yet not even knowing who the hell I even am. I prayed that God would give me a boy because how in the world was I going to teach a little girl how to be a woman when I never felt like one myself. 

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I came out to my mom as a lesbian after I had my son in which she said "I always knew" so I dated women and dressed like a "stud" because I felt that was as close as I'd get to being happy . Yet there was always something that didn't feel right , why wasn't I happy ? Back then transgender wasn't even a term I heard often, I had no clue that there was anything I could do about being born with this body I didn't belong in. Fast forward again about 2 years ago when my bestfriend started his transition. I was truly amazed and a little jealous that it was possible to fix this, I saw how much happier he became and I knew that's what I needed to do. However I have a young boy to raise and that made it a little more complicated for me because I was afraid of how it would affect my son, his happiness will always come before mine. I waited until last year November 2016 and decided to sit with him and try my best to explain how I felt. I will never forget that conversation, he already knew about being transgender because my best friend is his godfather , so he knew what it was and he was so supportive when my friend came out, he has never ever misgendered him or anything. So I used him as an example and told my son I felt the same way but that if he doesn't want me to go through with it that I won't because he comes before me and I don't want to hurt him. His response : "can I go to my room and think about it mom?" Me: "Absolutely" (comes back 5 minutes later) "Well mom I love you just the way you are , but if it will make you happy then I will be happy, but can I still call you mom?" Me: you can call me whatever you want buddy

That conversation showed me just how intelligent and kind and just amazing my little man is & once I got his approval I didn't care about anyone else's. Prior to this conversation I was seeing a therapist because I had PTSD and depression, and I explained how I felt to him and he told me " would you rather your son have a transgender mother or to go through life wondering why he doesn't have one anymore and why she took her own life". That was what made me choose to speak to my son, and to finally book my appointment to become who I truly am. When I first told my mother she said she loves and supports me no matter what but we didn't speak for a few months because she refused to stop calling me Thais and start calling me Kingston. I felt alone with no family support but luckily I had my amazing son and a couple of amazing friends. Its been 2 years since I've started HRT and its the happiest I've ever been, but I still worry that the older my son gets and the more he's exposed to the ignorant views of others, the more likely it'll be that he ends up hating me. He tells me kids ask him if his mom is dead because I always pick him up (they assume I'm his dad) & he responds with "no she's not she just likes to hide in plain sight". What 8 year old has such a mature outlook on things that they can handle even the meanest comments with a smartass remark? My little Elijah. He's been my number one supporter, he picked my middle name Kai , he's gone to my photoshoots to my appointments, when I get nervous about injecting he says "it's ok papi I'm right here". He has really helped me learn to love myself, and we are both growing as men together. I never thought I could get so lucky and even though I wished I was born in my male body, I would never change that because now I have him & I would never be able to go through this journey without him.

 
Across Gender